Dallas a Winter Wonderland? or Jerry Jones Deal with the Devil?

For the past two days I have been at home during a normal work week and it looks like there may be at least one more day of this. 

It is Feb 2, 2011 and it is also Super Bowl week here in DFW.

In the ten years (almost 11 now) I've been back and in the 13 years I spent in Houston, and quite frankly the rest of the time in Chicago, this is the worst it has ever been.  And the news media is FREAKING OUT! 

 

They actually covered the busses caring the football teams from the hotels in Fort Worth and Las Colinas to Jerry Jones world in Arlington.(Along with a police escort)  I can't help but think that this is the conversation that Jerry Jones is having with the NFL commissioner right now;

 

Jerry: It will be fine... So the stores and shops that we told would make a bundle in Super Bowl tourist traffic are screwed.  The game will go off with 100,000 in the stadium and another 10,000 in the parking lot watching on Jerry Jones big screen TV's.

NFL:  I thought the deal you did was for it to be sunny and warm all this week?

Jerry:  I did do that deal, but I can't get in contact with him right now.  He seems to have.... disappeared.  It'll be fine!  Don't worry!

NFL:  I don't think so.  The weather men are now calling for a hail of burning toads and sulfur pit eruptions at Six Flags over Texas on Saturday.  You better get a hold of him fast and get this fixed.  Offer him whatever he wants. So help me God, we will never hold another Super Bowl in this piece of crap state again.

Jerry:  First of all, don't say God.  That just upsets our benefactor.  You know that. Second, Get out of here so I can get the pentagram drawn and the goat blood flowing.  Go on.  It will be fine!

 

The NFL commissioner leaves. 

Jerry dons a set of black robes and leads a herd of goats into his office.

Jerry:  Come on.  I know you’re around. Come on out!  There'll be pizza!

The smell of sulfur is found in the air.  Goats start to explode, and the devil, looking a lot like Jon Lovitz shows up.

Devil:  What do you want?  You got what you wanted...A Super Bowl.

Jerry:  But I need there to begood weather and lots of paying suckers...I mean customers.  Come on, help me out here.

Devil:  You have nothing left for me. I already own your soul and the NFL commissioner's.

 

Jerry:  How about the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders?  Or Troy Aikman?

Devil:  Been there, done that.

Jerry:  How about I leak a story about how drilling to gas in the surrounding towns is causing people to get really sick.

Devil:  I already had the mayor of Flower Mound give me her soul for that.  Now I can't get her to talk
about anything else.  She doesn't know anything but STOP THE DRILLING.  What a stupid broad.  And the drilling continues, which is the best part.

Jerry:  How about rolling blackouts in Texas, and say it's because to the cold weather.  We'll tell them it will only be out for 15 minutes but we will shut off their power for 3 hours, and make the energy required to heat their homes back up triple. Plus, the entire railroad crossings in the area will shut and have to be reset by hand causing massive road blocks.

Devil:  Hmmmmm.  I like it.  I see a great future for you in hell when you die, Jones.  When did we agree that would be?

Jones:  I think the year the Cowboys would get back to the Super Bowl, and you know I won't let that happen for a lonnnnnnng time.  HAHAHHAAHAHA.

Devil: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Now pass be another goat.  I'm feeling horny.

Jones:  Me too. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

What the Hell are they teaching our kids?

I took my daughter to school the other day and on the way she told me that one of her teachers was telling them about the origins of Halloween.  I fully expected a rant about Devil worshipping and goat killing (I live in the Bible belt after all). Instead I heard that Halloween is the morphing of Mexico's Day of the Dead.  I just about slammed on my brakes in the middle of a crowded street on morning rush hour.  After talking to her about the real origins (they are Pagan/Celtic) and dropping her off, I started to think about how my daughter told me her story.  She said it as if she where the worlds authority on the Halloween/Day of the Dead history.  I wonder how much other information the school is feeding my daughter that is completely wrong or biased.

When I was younger, but not a punk kid, I took a speech class at the local community college in Illinois.  I was one of the older students in the class.  I think I was actually older then the teacher.  And she would spend time each class talking about her social, political, and morale hang ups.  And I watched the students around me soak it in.  I think because I used to challenge her tirades, I got a 'C' in that class.  Anyone that knows me can tell you that I speak real good.  She actually told the class that she no longer used underarm deodorant because of the aluminum they used in the products, and that it would leech into your body and cause cancer.  It smelled real funky in that class for weeks afterwards.

I would like to hope that the people in a position to teach our children would also teach them to come to their own conclusions.  Making them think weird stuff is my job.

I can't wait to hear about the origins of Arbor Day.

First Post in a while

Today at lunch, a group of us where taken out to thank us for working at a corporate conference. It was a nice lunch at P.F.Changs. I had the Mongolian Beef (most excellent!). I did have to sit next to the companies CIO. That was ok, no biggie. He could have put me under the grill for project dates, or problems with the program, but instead he just talked about general small talk stuff (Think Steve Martin).

So tonight, Suzy and I went to a Thia restaurant in Southlake. It's owned by a couple we know from when they had a place in Flower Mound we used to go to all the time. As I'm sitting there, the CIO of our company walks in with his family. We exchange greetings, and he and his wife and kids go on their merry way, and Suzy and I continue to order.

Then I start to think about all the people that worked at out company that can no longer afford to go out to dinner because he outsourced their jobs to a bunch of ID10T's. Not just your everyday ID10T's, but world class complete fuck ups. I wouldn't trust these people to wipe my ass. And when you talk to them, you have to speak at the level of a 4 year old. " Did you understand what I just said? Can you complete these tasks on time? Quite grinning and bobbing your head like a carnival trinket."

The more I think of this, I start thinking about what my US senator, John Cornyn says that we allow foreigners into our country to displace American works because our companies want the "Best and the Brightest" workers. I would love Cornyn to come to work so he can see what the Best and Brightest do all day. Come in late, spend all day at the coffee pot, leave early, and pawn all the work off to the Americans still left in the company. I don't care that Cornyn is a Republican, he will not be getting my vote next election.

What foreign displaced American workers need is a lobbying group in Washington to demand to know why jobs are being stripped from them when the unemployment rate is 10%. I wonder if I can get the TEA party to take issue with this practice.

What a great Friday night.

Sitting in the dark at work.... On a Saturday Night

I think I will compose a free verse...

Oh how I wish I where rich an Bill Gates,
For if I had that much money, I would have many , many mates.
And if I was in a job that sucked as much as this,
I would take a shotgun and tell everyone to take a piss.


Thank you, thank you.

How many dogs do you have to have before you become the ‘Crazy Dog’ family in the neighborhood?

Last night my wife announces to me that one of the 14 puppies (2 litters of 7) named Alice is off the selling list.  I’m thinking… Great, one less dog and the money for her should be good.  That is until I ask where she is going.  The answer I get back is, “She’s off the list.  What don’t you understand?”  And so it seems the conspiracy to keep one of the puppies is coming to a focal point. I am convinced that my daughters and my wife were plotting this way before any dog became pregnant.  If this continues to the end, we will have 5 (FIVE) (Cinco) (Fünf) (Cinq) (Vijf) dogs in our much smaller house.  Why that’s a dog per person living in the house right now.  And as cute as she is, she will very soon become a large pooping machine with a penchant for destroying anything that I have purchased and own.  Don’t get me wrong.  I love dogs.  Especially these kind of dogs.  Large enough to protect the house and family, and so I don’t have to bend over to pet them.  But the square yardage in our backyard devoted to dog crap is about 1 square foot per poop.  So with some math we get 3 poops a day times 5 dogs is 105 square feet of yard pooped in per week.  Lets assume that it takes 4 weeks for said poop to decompose (because there is no way my kids would pick up any poop in the backyard).  That means a total grass area of 420 square feet.   I don’t have 420 square  feet of grass in my backyard.  This is what I picture my house and yard to look like next year.  I’ll keep you posted.

My House is Full of Puppy Poop!

This is a picture of Angel. She just gave birth to 9 puppies. That's why she looks pissed. You would be pissed too if you where in labor for 9 1/2 hours.

Octo-mom is a punkass bitch!

Unfortunately, one passed away the next day. It was the runt and Angel knew something was up, so the presented it to Suzy in her mouth and then refused to feed it. So now a a little furry thing awaits to be buried in a poptart box in the side yard.

If you would like go to www.sheepdogpup.com and take a look.

Stereotypes

A chuck Jones special was on the other night (Thank You Doug for alerting me). Afterwards they showed some of his more memorable shorts, and I noticed they skipped over the World War II years. I know why they did it. You aren't supposed to talk about it. But I have seen them. Many years ago, and some may now be in a DVD set with Whoopie Goldburg telling us that we should watch them...but don't laugh, cause that will make you a racist (I think I'm paraphrasing that).

So then I thought of the Japanese character Looney Tunes did during the war, and how much he looks like Hiro from Heroes. What do you think?

Weird, huh?